Grandpa Powell's Funeral

A few weeks ago our family went down to Boonville, Indiana for Derek's grandpa's funeral (grandpa Powell). He lived a full life and died at age 94. His grandmother (grandma Powell) is 90 and is as sharp as ever. She has a cell, dabbles in the email, and has been known to outwit Derek at times. Grandpa Powell was a big part of Derek's life, especially in his formative years and so the funeral was quite emotional for him. Isabel, who is 2 and a half, attended the funeral-well-she almost didn't. On our first attempt at attending, Bel sat for a few seconds and promptly got up and started making the rounds. This was not appropriate respect to be showing for the dead. Derek told me please to take the kids outside. On the second attempt, after having had the talk with Isabel about her behavior, I bravely entered the service. This time she didn't even make it to the seat but proceeded to run about in front of the casket, trying to entertain a rather tough crowd. Her dad feeling the stress of it all told the three of us to wait outside. I must say I felt a little banished myself. Isabel was distraught- she was crying, which got Ariana crying and so I found myself outside the funeral home in Boonville with one girl on each hip trying to comfort them, while trying to hear parts of the service.

Isabel understood a lot of what was going on and wanted to be in the service with her dad. "If only I could sit still" she was thinking. Lucky for me, Meme came to the rescue and took Isabel back inside to the front row, nogal. (translated from Afrikaans to mean- as well, if you can believe it). Eventually I found the courage to go in, with Ariana in the Bijorn, bouncing up and down, I listened to the rest of the service and was able to sit next to my husband who was grieving. Isabel, who had sat still on Meme's lap the entire time because of the monsters that would come out if she didn't (Meme has so many tricks), ran up to her dad who was crying and after he picked her up, she said, "You sad daddy? I wipe your tears?" How compassionate, how astute and how loving she is.

While this was going on, Ariana and I were standing outside waiting for grandma Powell, who had been married to her husband for 70 years, to walk past. As I hugged her, she reached out and touched Ariana and I began to sob. I was suddenly and profoundly aware of the generations before her that made her life possible and that have contributed to her life before she was even born. I was profoundly grateful for the lives of Derek's grandparents, his parents and for him.

Four generations of Powells on Terry's (Derek's dad) side and five generations on his brother, Ronnie's side. That is longevity at its best. Grandpa Powell leaves not only many fond memories but a legacy of loving family members behind. Grandma Powell walked out sad, but strong. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.

Grief is never resolved per say, it is ongoing, ever evolving into something new. Sometimes it can feel as if it is complete, but then in an instant, it can flood the consciousness. You never GET OVER IT. You learn to live with the loss the best you can. Lately, I have realized that one of the ways I tried to cope with the enormous loss of losing both parents in 18 months was by minimizing their good qualities. By exentuating the not so desirable qualities I was, in a sense, trying to decrease the massive void that resides in my heart. I have grieved well but at every big life event their absence is always present with me especially with the birth of my second daughter, Ariana Grace. It is exacerbated by the fact that I live in a different country and am thousands of miles away from my sister and her family.

Is it ok to say that I just miss my mommy and my daddy sometimes? How do I do this well? I know that I need to bring their memories of them and their life more naturally into existence as a part of my life. I need to acknowledge what a huge part of my life they were and forever will be. I need to acknowledge the wonderful qualities they possessed as individuals and as a couple.

They were true adventurers. They travelled through the Australian outback in the back of a van. I think I remember them saying that they weren't sure when the next petrol station would come along. No cell phones, No GPS, no H2O, just pure adventure. They were always jetting off somewhere with or without us. I love that about them. What kind of faith does it take to leave your business of twenty years in the hands of someone else and go travelling to the USA for 6 months. My dad certainly didn't know when he made the decision to go that it would impact my life so much. Dad, you said Yes more than no, had a passport and the faith of a mustard seed. You taught me more openhandedness than I ever gave you credit for doing.

Talking about being open- that was our home- sometimes literally. All our friends knew that we kept a key to our front door on the ledge of our wall just in case someone needed to get in. My parents hosted many many missionaries from so many different countries which I thoroughly enjoyed. Our home was open to people- that is what I remember and that is what I want to encompass into my own home. My mom was a wonderful host. She would always have a fully cooked meal including a meat, a starch and at least a green and an orange/yellow vegetable waiting for our guests. Tea was not at a specific time- it was ever ongoing. If anyone popped in which was really often, the kettle went on and some scrumptious biscuits were brought out. I don't think I ever heard anyone refuse a cup of tea. There was always time.

When I think about my sisters boy's and my girl's missing out on spending time with their grandparents it makes the loss harder. My dad was so full of energy- never really looked his age. He told me so many stories about growing up on the streets of Dublin. Apparently they were really lucky if they got some stale bread and some half rotten fruit from one of their aunts. Henry, one of my dad's friends, stole a soccer ball from one of the department stores, while some of the other boys created a distraction, so they had something to do. My dad was a true entrepeneur. He immigrated to South Africa with nothing, started his carpentry business from the garage and grew it. He was a hard worker but more importantly he was a family man who provided well but was also very involved in our lives and tried to provide us with any opportunity he could.

So here I am 10 years later, married, immigrated, a mom, a therapist, who would ever have thought- certainly not them, yet I am sure they would be pleased. I grealty appreciate all the effort and energy that both my parents put into my life. Thank you.

Connecting up the family tree is probably the most important move you can make to help you mature, relate in healthy ways to others, and live a deeper life. It will give you the ability to CHOOSE what you want for your life and will benefit generations to come in the same way. It’s difficult to move forward with your life in a healthy way when there is unfinished business in your family of origin. RELATE to your parents as much as you can as an adult, showing them who you really are, though it may be hard. It often feels very uncomfortable and quite unnatural but if you take this step it has the potential to create innate changes in the way you relate in all your other relationships. This process is always a work in progress. Starting this process helps you take responsibility for your role in the family, lessens your defensiveness, inspires humility and truly opens your eyes to all people. This is what makes it Biblical for me. It is a process that enables me to truly hear from GOD because I am more open. Connecting with in-laws is much easier when you understand your own family better. You are less likely to take things personally as you understand what fuels behavior. You begin to see anxiety at work in family members and are able at times to step out of the reactivity of the situation and diffuse the cycle by changing your behavior. You have the power to change no-one. You have the power to change your interaction with family members and in-laws and in so doing create the potential to change your relationships and your SELF in the process. Be challenged.