Grief is never resolved per say, it is ongoing, ever evolving into something new. Sometimes it can feel as if it is complete, but then in an instant, it can flood the consciousness. You never GET OVER IT. You learn to live with the loss the best you can. Lately, I have realized that one of the ways I tried to cope with the enormous loss of losing both parents in 18 months was by minimizing their good qualities. By exentuating the not so desirable qualities I was, in a sense, trying to decrease the massive void that resides in my heart. I have grieved well but at every big life event their absence is always present with me especially with the birth of my second daughter, Ariana Grace. It is exacerbated by the fact that I live in a different country and am thousands of miles away from my sister and her family.

Is it ok to say that I just miss my mommy and my daddy sometimes? How do I do this well? I know that I need to bring their memories of them and their life more naturally into existence as a part of my life. I need to acknowledge what a huge part of my life they were and forever will be. I need to acknowledge the wonderful qualities they possessed as individuals and as a couple.

They were true adventurers. They travelled through the Australian outback in the back of a van. I think I remember them saying that they weren't sure when the next petrol station would come along. No cell phones, No GPS, no H2O, just pure adventure. They were always jetting off somewhere with or without us. I love that about them. What kind of faith does it take to leave your business of twenty years in the hands of someone else and go travelling to the USA for 6 months. My dad certainly didn't know when he made the decision to go that it would impact my life so much. Dad, you said Yes more than no, had a passport and the faith of a mustard seed. You taught me more openhandedness than I ever gave you credit for doing.

Talking about being open- that was our home- sometimes literally. All our friends knew that we kept a key to our front door on the ledge of our wall just in case someone needed to get in. My parents hosted many many missionaries from so many different countries which I thoroughly enjoyed. Our home was open to people- that is what I remember and that is what I want to encompass into my own home. My mom was a wonderful host. She would always have a fully cooked meal including a meat, a starch and at least a green and an orange/yellow vegetable waiting for our guests. Tea was not at a specific time- it was ever ongoing. If anyone popped in which was really often, the kettle went on and some scrumptious biscuits were brought out. I don't think I ever heard anyone refuse a cup of tea. There was always time.

When I think about my sisters boy's and my girl's missing out on spending time with their grandparents it makes the loss harder. My dad was so full of energy- never really looked his age. He told me so many stories about growing up on the streets of Dublin. Apparently they were really lucky if they got some stale bread and some half rotten fruit from one of their aunts. Henry, one of my dad's friends, stole a soccer ball from one of the department stores, while some of the other boys created a distraction, so they had something to do. My dad was a true entrepeneur. He immigrated to South Africa with nothing, started his carpentry business from the garage and grew it. He was a hard worker but more importantly he was a family man who provided well but was also very involved in our lives and tried to provide us with any opportunity he could.

So here I am 10 years later, married, immigrated, a mom, a therapist, who would ever have thought- certainly not them, yet I am sure they would be pleased. I grealty appreciate all the effort and energy that both my parents put into my life. Thank you.