Single Parenting

On Sunday morning Derek left for an almost six day trip to Orlando to paint with fellow artists known as the Limner Society. This is his 7th trip since Ariana was born and I didn't think I would be able to manage as well as I have. When I don't have a choice its amazing what I can pull out the bag. This has given me a greater respect for single parents especially when the burden of supporting a family is added to the mix.

Its harder and its easier. Its harder as you don't have immediate help- you usually have to be well prepared. Its easier as you don't need to put any energy into the marital relationship as your spouse is absent.

I recommend every couple with children to give this a try and discover some of the benefits. Yes its hard but it forces you to stretch yourself and humbles you to ask for help as you know you couldn't do it alone. By both partners taking on this challenge it balances the control/power equation between spouses and is good for a marriage. Yes, I'm talking to women or moms who think they hold the power or know whats best. Dad's do things differently but no worse. It also gives you a chance to support your spouse's passions and callings in life.

I'm only on day two- speak to me on day six- no really I'll survive and I'll even try to thrive and provide a safe and supportive environment for my children as I am the parent and that is my job whether Derek is at home or not.

The day after Derek returns I'm jetting off to Italy and Romania in a world wind mission trip. Am I hesitant to leave my children? of course- does it make me anxious when I think about it? Most definitely. Is that going to stop me? No. I need to be engaged in the things I believe in else I am not living deeply. When I don't live deeply I don't experience the richness of life- the connection, the community, the shared life, the blessings, the joy.

Boundaries with kids

After rummaging through the hords of boxes full of books in our basement I hit the jackpot. Clutched in my hand I held "Boundaries with kids" by Cloud and Townsend. Yes I need reminding of how to set limits with my two year old in a loving way. How do I balance healthy attachment and discipline? How do I build up a positive sense of self worth in my children and let them know they are not the center of the universe but part of it?

This book does not provide the answers to all your parenting dilemma's but it does provide practical ways to help parents implement boundaries in the lives of their children to help produce healthy and mature adults in the future. I need to have an eye on the future when parenting. I am not Isabel and Ariana's friend, I am their mother and, while friendship will develop, it is love, freedom and limits which they need.

One of the most poignant points the authors make is that children need reality based consequences. In other words, do not rescue your child when she makes a bad choice but let her deal with the consequences now. This will teach her. It is very easy to get pulled back into the way your family or origin functioned when parenting your own children. The emotional pull of the system is incredibly strong. Give reality consequences to your children, not negative relational consequences. Don't scream and shout, emotionally react or distance yourself. When dealing with a behavioral issue give them a simple consequence that you can carry out consistently. How I have noticed this in my own life is that sometimes I can feel overwhelmed with the demands of Isabel. I need to understand that I can say "no" to playing barbies or telling stories or whatever it is. It is not her fault for being demanding, it is my responsibility to provide a boundary for her.

Give your child freedom, give them choices, then if they make bad decisions the parent is the only person who can implement reality consequences. Make it easier for the child to choose well, and praise them for it. As Cloud and Townsend say "You are an oak tree that your children will bump up against." Children are not born with boundaries. Parents provide them with external boundaries and children learn to internalize them. This is one of the ways that children build character, can learn to respect all people and have a healthy sense of their limits., nut are not restricted in their development.

I am still figuring out how to do this well. Some days I do very well giving freedom, love and limits and other days I don't. I have realized that I need to continue to get what I need in terms of time away, building my own career and spending time with other adults to get renewed and that way I am a much better mother to my two girls.

On my run this morning I was talking to Sarayu about the Italy/Romania trip that I am taking in October. She said a few things one of which was that I am really proud of you that you are going as I know it is very difficult to leave your children, especially Ariana. You heard me and said Yes. She says the thing that frustrates her the most is that often humans just cannot hear for a variety of reasons even when they are trying. If only people could really hear what I have for them it would change their lives. I include myself in the human category. It may not be comfortable, it's often risky, it's not always safe but Sarayu is always good. I am often reminded that she has a love for me that is greater than my love for my own children. I love to give my children gifts. I love to see them grow and mature. I love to witness thier compassion. I love their bravery. I love their cheekiness (some of the time). If I, being human, feel this way than I admit I cannot even fathom the love God has for me. My prayer is that He will continue to reveal this to me as He reveals himself to me and that my understanding may grow and mature and then allow me to walk fully and deeply into the life that we are creating together.

Sarayu has spoken Healing, Healing, Healing to me. Sometimes I'm not quite sure of the context but it is usually revealed in a way I could hardly imagine. I hope that during my trip I will be able to use my gifts in new ways and bless people. Prayer, counseling, teaching and encouraging are some of them. Let the Orange fountain explode with blessings and flow forth throughout the land.

Italy and Romania Trip

A couple of weeks ago at one of our weekly Open Hand process meetings I began to envision the possibility of going on a mission trip to Italy and Romania. I know God was calling me to go and so I bought my ticket a week later. The trip starts off in Rimini, a small town in Italy on the adriatic sea. I will be going with 5 others from Open Hand USA to visit the San Patrignano Community.

The San P Community, started by Vincenzo Muccioli and a group of volunteers in 1978, is now the largest facility in Europe that takes in people with addictions and rehabilitates them, gives them job training and helps reintegrate them into society. It is currently home to 1,800 people and since 1978, 20, 000 people have been through their program. What impressed me the most was their rate of recidivism. 70% of people are still drug free after three years. In 2006, they were named "Social Entrepreneur of the Year" at the World Economic Forum in recognition of the success of this community's recovery model. www.SanPatrignano.org

The McKenna's in Mana Deschisa (Open Hand Romania) are doing the same thing on a smaller scale. They will be meeting us in Rimini to learn what we can from this community and together we will go back to Romania to put what we learned into practice. The counselors at Mana Deschisa are doing a lot of work using attachment theory with the young adults that are going through their program. I hope to bring them resources and do a short teaching on attachment and how it can be used to heal the lives of people with addictions.

My hope is to raise enough money for my trip estimated at $1000, and take over a gift to Open Hand Romania who, even though they generate a large part of their budget themselves, are still 5K short every month for their operating budget. The photo's at the top of the blog posting are of the residential treatment facility being built in Mana Deschisa. Thank you for your support. I look forward to sharing my experience with you when I get back.

Here is a link to a short clip about the work in Mana Deschisa Romania

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=wfVz-qAueBs

If you would like to donate you can either write a check to Open Hand and put Kath's Travel on it and get a tax receipt

215 E 32nd Street, Indianapolis, IN, 46205

OR click the button below to donate via my paypal account. If you send an email to me with the amount and your address, we could send you out a tax receipt.

Thank you for your support.

Grandpa Powell's Funeral

A few weeks ago our family went down to Boonville, Indiana for Derek's grandpa's funeral (grandpa Powell). He lived a full life and died at age 94. His grandmother (grandma Powell) is 90 and is as sharp as ever. She has a cell, dabbles in the email, and has been known to outwit Derek at times. Grandpa Powell was a big part of Derek's life, especially in his formative years and so the funeral was quite emotional for him. Isabel, who is 2 and a half, attended the funeral-well-she almost didn't. On our first attempt at attending, Bel sat for a few seconds and promptly got up and started making the rounds. This was not appropriate respect to be showing for the dead. Derek told me please to take the kids outside. On the second attempt, after having had the talk with Isabel about her behavior, I bravely entered the service. This time she didn't even make it to the seat but proceeded to run about in front of the casket, trying to entertain a rather tough crowd. Her dad feeling the stress of it all told the three of us to wait outside. I must say I felt a little banished myself. Isabel was distraught- she was crying, which got Ariana crying and so I found myself outside the funeral home in Boonville with one girl on each hip trying to comfort them, while trying to hear parts of the service.

Isabel understood a lot of what was going on and wanted to be in the service with her dad. "If only I could sit still" she was thinking. Lucky for me, Meme came to the rescue and took Isabel back inside to the front row, nogal. (translated from Afrikaans to mean- as well, if you can believe it). Eventually I found the courage to go in, with Ariana in the Bijorn, bouncing up and down, I listened to the rest of the service and was able to sit next to my husband who was grieving. Isabel, who had sat still on Meme's lap the entire time because of the monsters that would come out if she didn't (Meme has so many tricks), ran up to her dad who was crying and after he picked her up, she said, "You sad daddy? I wipe your tears?" How compassionate, how astute and how loving she is.

While this was going on, Ariana and I were standing outside waiting for grandma Powell, who had been married to her husband for 70 years, to walk past. As I hugged her, she reached out and touched Ariana and I began to sob. I was suddenly and profoundly aware of the generations before her that made her life possible and that have contributed to her life before she was even born. I was profoundly grateful for the lives of Derek's grandparents, his parents and for him.

Four generations of Powells on Terry's (Derek's dad) side and five generations on his brother, Ronnie's side. That is longevity at its best. Grandpa Powell leaves not only many fond memories but a legacy of loving family members behind. Grandma Powell walked out sad, but strong. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.

Grief is never resolved per say, it is ongoing, ever evolving into something new. Sometimes it can feel as if it is complete, but then in an instant, it can flood the consciousness. You never GET OVER IT. You learn to live with the loss the best you can. Lately, I have realized that one of the ways I tried to cope with the enormous loss of losing both parents in 18 months was by minimizing their good qualities. By exentuating the not so desirable qualities I was, in a sense, trying to decrease the massive void that resides in my heart. I have grieved well but at every big life event their absence is always present with me especially with the birth of my second daughter, Ariana Grace. It is exacerbated by the fact that I live in a different country and am thousands of miles away from my sister and her family.

Is it ok to say that I just miss my mommy and my daddy sometimes? How do I do this well? I know that I need to bring their memories of them and their life more naturally into existence as a part of my life. I need to acknowledge what a huge part of my life they were and forever will be. I need to acknowledge the wonderful qualities they possessed as individuals and as a couple.

They were true adventurers. They travelled through the Australian outback in the back of a van. I think I remember them saying that they weren't sure when the next petrol station would come along. No cell phones, No GPS, no H2O, just pure adventure. They were always jetting off somewhere with or without us. I love that about them. What kind of faith does it take to leave your business of twenty years in the hands of someone else and go travelling to the USA for 6 months. My dad certainly didn't know when he made the decision to go that it would impact my life so much. Dad, you said Yes more than no, had a passport and the faith of a mustard seed. You taught me more openhandedness than I ever gave you credit for doing.

Talking about being open- that was our home- sometimes literally. All our friends knew that we kept a key to our front door on the ledge of our wall just in case someone needed to get in. My parents hosted many many missionaries from so many different countries which I thoroughly enjoyed. Our home was open to people- that is what I remember and that is what I want to encompass into my own home. My mom was a wonderful host. She would always have a fully cooked meal including a meat, a starch and at least a green and an orange/yellow vegetable waiting for our guests. Tea was not at a specific time- it was ever ongoing. If anyone popped in which was really often, the kettle went on and some scrumptious biscuits were brought out. I don't think I ever heard anyone refuse a cup of tea. There was always time.

When I think about my sisters boy's and my girl's missing out on spending time with their grandparents it makes the loss harder. My dad was so full of energy- never really looked his age. He told me so many stories about growing up on the streets of Dublin. Apparently they were really lucky if they got some stale bread and some half rotten fruit from one of their aunts. Henry, one of my dad's friends, stole a soccer ball from one of the department stores, while some of the other boys created a distraction, so they had something to do. My dad was a true entrepeneur. He immigrated to South Africa with nothing, started his carpentry business from the garage and grew it. He was a hard worker but more importantly he was a family man who provided well but was also very involved in our lives and tried to provide us with any opportunity he could.

So here I am 10 years later, married, immigrated, a mom, a therapist, who would ever have thought- certainly not them, yet I am sure they would be pleased. I grealty appreciate all the effort and energy that both my parents put into my life. Thank you.

Connecting up the family tree is probably the most important move you can make to help you mature, relate in healthy ways to others, and live a deeper life. It will give you the ability to CHOOSE what you want for your life and will benefit generations to come in the same way. It’s difficult to move forward with your life in a healthy way when there is unfinished business in your family of origin. RELATE to your parents as much as you can as an adult, showing them who you really are, though it may be hard. It often feels very uncomfortable and quite unnatural but if you take this step it has the potential to create innate changes in the way you relate in all your other relationships. This process is always a work in progress. Starting this process helps you take responsibility for your role in the family, lessens your defensiveness, inspires humility and truly opens your eyes to all people. This is what makes it Biblical for me. It is a process that enables me to truly hear from GOD because I am more open. Connecting with in-laws is much easier when you understand your own family better. You are less likely to take things personally as you understand what fuels behavior. You begin to see anxiety at work in family members and are able at times to step out of the reactivity of the situation and diffuse the cycle by changing your behavior. You have the power to change no-one. You have the power to change your interaction with family members and in-laws and in so doing create the potential to change your relationships and your SELF in the process. Be challenged.

During a family crisis/drama there are two options or perhaps more. One is to get pulled into the emotional reactivity of the situation. This is usually the first response that feels natural and justified. There is another option, however, that is much harder to do. This entails thinking and processing for as long as it takes to calm the reactivity within you that naturally rears up. Usually I go through a myriad of reactions ranging from extreme hurt and anger to exclaiming that "I don't really care anyway" and "it's their loss".

When I am able to respond to the person or persons involved, after getting out all my reactivity that comes from my own internal struggles, I am growing. I am not always able to do this but when I am, an internal change takes place within me, and I know I am maturing. I choose to look at the situation as an opportunity for growth rather than pain that has been inflicted upon me. When I am able to do this, peace resides in my heart, and my anxiety greatly diminishes.

This is not to say that these situations do not hurt at a deep level. This is why I give myself time to acknowledge the hurt, express the feelings in my head or often to my husband (shame), and then try to understand the other person's point of view or limited point of view knowing that nobody is perfect, I choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness for any part that I have played in the situation.

I am not a victim. Woe is not me. I choose to walk:" with my hands open, with my eyes open, I just keep moving hoping your heart opens." [snowpatrol- eyes open]

In my talk with Sarayu this morning she said: "Rest emotionally and mentally in Me." This is where peace is found and many are searching the world over for just a hint of it. Fear is the enemy of love. True love casts out all fear. I love you Sarayu. I love you Yahweh.

I am so grateful for the people in my life that I know well and that know me. To be really known by someone is truly a gift. It can definitely be painful as these are the people who can hurt you the most as Bono puts it in his latest song, "Magnificent" Only love can leave such a mark, only love, only love can leave such a scar. These are the people that encourage your growth, challenge you to things you didn't deem possible, comfort and support you in times of great need and who truly love you for who you are.

As I embark on my journey of life I need to be able to be engaged in activities that call me forth, that ignite my passion, that use my gifts and that benefit the community. I am grateful to be able to spend time with my children but I also need time away. I need time to spend developing parts of myself that do not have anything to do with my children. This way I can encourage them to live their own lives.

"You can't forget the fact that you're a parent when your living room, dining room and kitchen are cluttered with baby gear, barbie dolls and miniture characters."

As I was walking this morning along the canal I started talking to Sarayu. I often just keep talking and asking until I feel as if I have things under control- well the truth is I am never going to have things under control and deep down neither do I want to have this. When we do, life is taken out of the equation- Life is full, life is always changing, life is being flexible and open to what could be- if we have things planned out it takes away the sense of wonder and the sad part is that we do this to our children. I am remebering the sheer high pitched shriek Isabel gave as she entered the butterfly garden this morning.

My challenge as I talk with Sarayu is to show me every day how to be more present with my children to enjoy the here and now without getting stuck in the past or fixed upon the future I think I need. It is to dance with Isabel or rock out in the car with her because I am not so preoccupied. It is to play with Ariana without wondering what the time is and what I still need to do. I asked Sarayu to show me how to do this better not only for me but for everyone that is in relationship with me especially my children. I want to empower my children while keeping good boundaries with them so they can develop into the children that God created them to be.

What is it about stories that keeps Isabel transfixed. "Tell me a story mommy, you tell me a story?" When I do I can see the amazement and wonder in her eyes as she is completely present- she's not thinking about folding the laundry or what else she has to do. As adults its different as we have responsibilities but I still make the choice to be present or not and when I'm not- I am not fully alive, just going through the motions of being alive. This is truly the gift that God intended us to have. Thank you for our freedom- it installs passion, desire, creativity, inspiration and love.

You know you're a parent when you know the words to the theme songs of "Clifford the Big Red Dog" , Toot and Puddle" and "Dragon Tales"

You know you're a parent when your multitasking consists of looking for Blankie and Lamb before naptime, while emptying the diaper genie, while simultaneously trying to google "avent" to try to figure out what no. nipple you should be using on the bottle.

You know you're a parent when you create a slow version (so not to hype her up b4 bed) to Dora the explorer and Go Diego Go tv shows to sing to your daughter as her goodnight song just as she has requested

You know you're a parent when you need to get out of the house, without kids whether you have some place to go or not.

You know you're a parent when you shake the running jogger, while continuing to run, to create a type of rollercoaster ride for your child

You know you're a parent when the sheer joy of being alone on the canal is like Christmas as a kid.

You know you're a parent when you begin to weep at things that were never able to bring you to tears before.

You know you're a parent when you begin to become aware of just how much your parents did for you and what it must have taken to raise you.

You know you're a parent when you look at your baby and are filled with an undeniable sense of joy and well-being.

You know you're a parent when you smile and laugh like a complete goof when your baby smiles

You know you're a parent when having a shower alone is comparable to a trip to the spa.

You know you're a parent when you "get in the cave" of covers on your bed to hide from the monsters while half asleep